They Just Keep Printing ... Crap

So I am always on the lookout for absurd headlines and actually I have a ridiculous amount of them stored up so here are a bunch of headlines, bylines and commentary. In a world where news would rather be entertainment, this really isn't very hard but hey, at least its entertaining.

Anti-Kidnapping Expert From U.S. Kidnapped in Mexico

A well-known U.S. anti-kidnapping expert has fallen victim to Mexico's wave of abductions as unidentified assailants snatched him from a street in the northern city of Saltillo, one of his employers said. [Link]

Sometimes irony is just so sweet you can forget that there was kidnapping involved.

Mom Accused of Selling Newborns for Cosmetic Surgery
A mother in the Belgian tourist haven of Ghent has been accused by her estranged husband of selling her newborn twin boys for more than $13,000 to pay for cosmetic surgery. [Link]

That sounds like an even trade to me. Yet another reminder that humanity is not going down the drain, it did that a long long time ago.

Actor Portraying Suicide Slits Own Throat in Prop Mix-Up
An actor portraying a suicide bid in an Austrian play accidentally slashed his own throat on-stage following a prop mix-up. [Link]

I feel like this is something I would make sure to check before the show. And yet another reason why actors are not to be trusted. (sorry that was an actor-techie joke)

Teen Auctions Virginity to Pay for School, Meet Husband
A teenager is selling her virginity online to pay her college tuition — but she has a long way to go before reaching her target of $73,000. [Link]

Remember what I just said about humanity, just change that to going to hell in a hand basket. And go figure the girl was Romanian, typical. Oh and dont be deceived she was hoping to meet a husband, not she actually did meet her husband. I would pick a better strategy next time.

Police Machine Gun Sent to Grandma in Postal Mix-Up
A grandmother in Britain has told of her terror at opening a parcel she had been expecting - only to find she had been sent a police machine gun. [Link]

Okay first of all, coolest thing ever. Secondly, since when do policemen send their machine guns through the mail? Wait a second, since when did policemen use machine guns? Dont break the law in Brittain, automatic fire is what you will get.

This has been a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.

Not Fit for Print Roundup

This Edition of Not Fit for Print is going to look a little bit different. While I have taken a break from blogging for the last couple of months, I have not taken a break from filling my "to blog" folder with interesting tidbits. So I thought I would group several funny news stories together where the title really does say it all.

Man Nearly Dies After Lover Carves Heart on His Chest

A Canadian woman has pleaded guilty to stabbing her boyfriend, nearly killing him, in a botched sex game in which he asked her to carve a heart-shaped symbol on his chest. [Link]

I believe botched is an understatement or someone doesn't understand the meaning of the word game.

Rescue Planned for Woman Trapped by Giant Pig

A huge pig called Bruce has trapped a terrified woman in her home in Australia. [Link]

Why would Bruce do such a thing???

OMG, 007! British Spy Agency Recruiting on Facebook

Britain's MI6 foreign intelligence service confirms it's running recruitment ads on Facebook. [Link]

Are you sure its not a middle aged man posing as someone else ... or wait, that might be his job in this particular case.

Pony Falls Into Pool After Getting Drunk on Rotten Apples

A horse in England wandered into a swimming pool after getting drunk on fermented apples Tuesday, the Daily Mail reports. [Link]

I'm gonna have to stop you there sir. No more Apples for you, oh and let me have that saddle, your not ridding home like that.

Snake on a Plane Gives Cabin Crew the Slip

An Air India flight turned into a real-live take on Samuel L. Jackson’s 'Snakes on a Plane,' when a slithery stowaway was spotted under a seat, according to a report from Agence France-Presse. [Link]

Somebody's got to get these motherF#%$ing snakes of this motherF#%$ing plane.

This has been a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.

Saftey First, For the Beer that Is

This is a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.

Australian Man Fined for Buckling Up Beer, Not Child
Australian man has been fined after buckling in a case of beer with a seat belt but leaving a 5-year-old child to sit on the car's floor, police say.

So first of all, I gotta say, this guy has an interesting set of priorities. I mean beer or gasoline is one thing but beer or small child ... not quite the same. I would also like to point out that the 30 pack of beer was strapped into the middle seat in the back ... between two other adults. The kid, with no where else to sit, was on that little lump on the floor. I mean if one guy threw his kid in the back with out a belt so he could keep an eye on the beer, but at least 3 adults are in this car and made the executive decision to boot the kid. I mean hey, at least they didn't put him in the trunk right. And on a side note, this is why I have a distaste for the news. This guy got fined 750 dollars in AUSTRALIA. This has absolutely no effect on my life and if we printed an article about every equally stupid thing humans have done there wouldn't be enough paper left for the sports section. I watch the Daily Show to hear about this kind of thing.

[Fox News]

The Things You Wouldn't Blow Up for a Boy

This is a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.

Report: Girls Gang Blows Up Houses Over Boy
A gang of London teenage girls is suspected of destroying three houses
and killing a man with a homemade liquid bomb during an argument over a
boy.

Now I have always been first to tell you that high school girls are the devil, what with all the backstabbing, putting Nair in the Shampoo bottle, and baking Ritalin into the cookies. But apparently in London they are taking things to a whole new level. Basically these masterminds of crime poured some sort of liquid bomb concoction (they found the recipe on the internet) into a mailbox of someone trying to steal their man. The police are now out looking for this "girl gang." My heart goes out to London's finest, its probably time to break out the riot gear.

[Fox News]

Some News Just Isn't Fit to Print

You know when you are flipping through the morning paper and a story on page ten catches your eye because the title is absolutely ridiculous ... it could just be me. Well I have had several of those come through my reader in the last couple of days so I've decided to start a column (much like the Facebook status one) in which I will highlight these stories. The header and byline will be included for your amusement.

Pagan Prisoners in Britain Granted Right to Carry ‘Magic Wands’
A new ruling has granted pagan inmates in British prisons the right to keep twigs in their cells for use as wands, the U.K.’s Daily Mail newspaper reported Monday.

Apparently this ruling was an attempt to allow inmates to practice any religion. So basically Harry Potter can feel [safe is probably the wrong word] tolerated at both Azcaban and any other jail in the UK. A spokesperson from the jail was quoted saying the ruling sounds "like an April Fools Day joke." My only question is why it made Fox's front page. Think before you print folks, some news just isn't fit to print.

[Fox News]