The Elegance of Analogy

I am a huge fan of a little blog called Blank is like Blank. The guy who writes it come up with some seriously hilarious and elegant "metaphors to live by." My only issue is that they are not published nearly enough. They are so good and there hasn't been a new one since January. But then agian I'm not the most consistent blogger so what am I saying. Anyway here is one of the ones I am particularly fond of but please go check out the site because they are all pretty great.

Shopping at Ikea is like returning to therapy:
It feels like the right thing to to do, but then you get there and realize you aren’t adequately emotionally prepared.

[Blank is like Blank]

How Do You Like it Now?

In the pursuit of scientific inquiry, many times we forget about the feelings of those involved. I mean I'm not an animal rights kind of person at all but I could imagine being pretty pissed if I were a rat. This pic combines lol cats and science, who would have though that were ever possible. Good things there. But it does kinda make you think ... why didnt Schrodinger just get in the box. Come on man, sacrifice for science. The mythbusters do it.


[ICHCB]

I Want to Phat' Dip

Despite the possible innuendo in the title, there is a craze sweeping the nation. Actually its not a craze at all and it is sweeping nothing but the crowds of avid YouTube followers. But its got Tay Zonday and a perfect impersonation of Obama. And its pretty catchy to boot. So check it out. Try the head nod. Its a good head nod song.



[DYH]

They Just Keep Printing ... Crap

So I am always on the lookout for absurd headlines and actually I have a ridiculous amount of them stored up so here are a bunch of headlines, bylines and commentary. In a world where news would rather be entertainment, this really isn't very hard but hey, at least its entertaining.

Anti-Kidnapping Expert From U.S. Kidnapped in Mexico

A well-known U.S. anti-kidnapping expert has fallen victim to Mexico's wave of abductions as unidentified assailants snatched him from a street in the northern city of Saltillo, one of his employers said. [Link]

Sometimes irony is just so sweet you can forget that there was kidnapping involved.

Mom Accused of Selling Newborns for Cosmetic Surgery
A mother in the Belgian tourist haven of Ghent has been accused by her estranged husband of selling her newborn twin boys for more than $13,000 to pay for cosmetic surgery. [Link]

That sounds like an even trade to me. Yet another reminder that humanity is not going down the drain, it did that a long long time ago.

Actor Portraying Suicide Slits Own Throat in Prop Mix-Up
An actor portraying a suicide bid in an Austrian play accidentally slashed his own throat on-stage following a prop mix-up. [Link]

I feel like this is something I would make sure to check before the show. And yet another reason why actors are not to be trusted. (sorry that was an actor-techie joke)

Teen Auctions Virginity to Pay for School, Meet Husband
A teenager is selling her virginity online to pay her college tuition — but she has a long way to go before reaching her target of $73,000. [Link]

Remember what I just said about humanity, just change that to going to hell in a hand basket. And go figure the girl was Romanian, typical. Oh and dont be deceived she was hoping to meet a husband, not she actually did meet her husband. I would pick a better strategy next time.

Police Machine Gun Sent to Grandma in Postal Mix-Up
A grandmother in Britain has told of her terror at opening a parcel she had been expecting - only to find she had been sent a police machine gun. [Link]

Okay first of all, coolest thing ever. Secondly, since when do policemen send their machine guns through the mail? Wait a second, since when did policemen use machine guns? Dont break the law in Brittain, automatic fire is what you will get.

This has been a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.

Hell in a Hand Basket I Tell You

If you needed any further proof that the world was going to hell in a hand basket look no further. Yes this is a post about Twilight and I know I'm overreacting and whatnot. Someone very smart proved to me that they are not the end of humanity just bad literature that appeals to teenage girls. So while I am not a fan of Twilight I am not going to go burn it. But something was brought to my attention that I find slightly unnerving. I mean take a look and pass judgment for yourself. Course they could have meant to do this ... I have seen someone skip church to read it. Creepy. Twilight is not equal to words to live by.


[Totally Looks Like]

Adios Reality

Celebrities can do whatever they want. I dont in any way follow the lives of any of them even though I'm sure watching their pathetic struggle to get a mocha frapachino is entertaining. Granted if I had that kind of power I would defiantly use it. But more for like getting to be the dead guy in and episode of CSI like Swift did. Anyway, saw this clip of Will Ferell crashing some live TV. Insane, there arnt many people who can just walk into a live TV brodcast and have no one stop them. I would have been tazed on live TV is what would have happend. So take a gander.

.

Pretty ridiculous no? I am impressed to say the least. Impressed might not be the right word but Mark Twain is not around so we can stick with lightning bug for the time being. But of course you cant watch this and not be reminded of good old Brad Paisley. Now there is a stand up celebrity. I wonder what he has to say about all this big shot nonsense ... oh wait, he wrote a song about it. And the video is halarious. I should do a blog on his videos but in the mean time watch this one. Its how music videos should be made. (No embedding allowed, sorry kids, check it out here)

[TBT]

Anarchy in the UK

For those of you who are not crazy like me and remember most lines from most movies, the title of this post actually refers to a line from V for Vendetta. If you havent seen it, you should becuase its a great movie and actually ties into this post rather well. Alrighty then, if you havent heard, Google street view went live in the UK recently and caused a slight uproar. Despite faces and licensplates being blurred and whatnot, everyone was mad that people could be seen doing such things as peeing in public. Anyway the outcry was so loud that it resulted in many of the images being removed. I hope you see the ironey hear but just incase you dont, I think this comic makes it rather apparent.


I mean seriously the UK is the most watched country in the world ... its kinda sick. Even ehe crossing ladys are wired these days. If you are interested in all of this nonsence check out this video. Some guys put it together on the anaversery of cctv in the first city it was used. They set an 8 foot tall alien loose on the city to see how fast the police would respond. Yeah, its funny but then agian, its a little creepy. I am not up in arms yet but if there were cameras following me home from work, you'd better believe I would be.



[Miscellanea]

Lets all Status

This is a continuation of my Status Update:stalkerNET series where we take a look at the absurdity that people's status updates.

[female] is very excited for tonight :)
Thats what she said? ... maybe, no ... alright then

[female] is i did not poke everyone, sorry. thank youuuu
Something about this makes me think that you in fact did poke everyone ... and for those not so familiar with facebook this just sounds wrong

[male] is liking weiner in and around his mouth...
I believe this is from a movie but again, you might run the risk of being misunderstood.

[female] misses the bunnies.
I mean whatever floats your boat I guess.

[male] thinks she is ready to go off the pill.
This would be strange enough if it was a girl saying it but a guy saying it about another girl? I would have some questions about that.

[female] is mother's day was invented because the govt felt bad about abolishing child labor laws.
You people astound me sometimes. Happy Mother's day I guess.

[female] THERE IS A PEACOCK ON MY ROOF. no im not kidding.
"I'm speechless" - Whats that from quick ... celebrity jeopardy you say? Looks like we have a winner. But all seriousness aside, you really shouldn't kid about these things.

[male] has a habbit of falling for Lesbians.
Uh huh, this is one of those things you dont say out loud, or post where all your friends are sure to see it.

And for your viewing pleasure this is a screen shot of an unnamed persons mini-feed ... that is quite a day you have going there buddy, I feel for you. For maximum effect, start reading from the bottom as that is how the chronology works with these things.

And to make it even worse, there was two message from the girl at the bottom saying "check your messages" and "Please turn on your phone." No place is better for an over dramatic breakup for all to see than our good friend facebook.

Voice of a God

So one thing I keep a pretty good handle on is my list of people that I hope God sounds like. I mean come one we have all thought about it. Mine changes occasionally and to try and accommodate different types of voices or different styles of speaking. But pretty consistently at the top of my list, and I would imagine many others, is that of Morgan Freeman. This picture pretty much illustrates why.

I mean that is pretty close to the truth right there I have to say. I wish he would narrate bedtime stories. But that is actually a really nice segway into my next point about the man. I think we should start a petition to have the American version of Planet Earth be re dubbed with his voice. Attenbouroh is respectable hugely respectable and often ends up on that list I talked about but Sigourney Weaver? Really? I cant stand her compared to Attenbouroh. But how amazing would it be to fall in love with our planet to the soothing tones of Morgan Freeman. Think about it ... that could possibly make Planet Earth the best thing to ever be shown on a television ... ever. And have a little self respect Freeman, penguins are bush league ... take on the planet.

[ROLFLRAZZI]

Rap Around the World

So this has been a popular video in the last day or so but I thought it was pretty freaking cool. I mean this is why you just gotta love Southwest Airlines (despite them not giving you an assigned seat that is). But this guys has a job to do and he does it but it is interesting. God forbid. Anyway take a look and remember this guy next time some flight attendant shows you how to buckle a seat belt.



[TBT]

Chistmas "Down in Africa"

So those of you who know me know that I am really not a big fan of Christmas music. It is over played, played for way to long, and guess what I have heard it all before. I'm going to stop myself there because I have no empty boxes of soap laying around and it could get ugly. So I will digress to share with you some Christmas music that I really did enjoy. This choir from Indiana I believe has put together a rather remarkable arrangement of music that is truly Remixed. Now its worth a chuckle until it gets to the 2 min mark and they drop a musical atom bomb. Lets just say Toto is involved and it is glorious. This is the stuff to get me in the season.



via [Awesomology]

Kodak Moment? Probably Not

So its the middle of the week and I thought it would be healthy if everyone just smiled. So to help us all achieve this I have a little visual stimuli. This was the subject of a caption contest over at GorillaSushi and while there are probably a million captions that fit, I would prefer just to sit back and marvel at the pure absurdity of it. This is artwork people.



via GorillaSushi

Mmmmmm

This is one of those videos that is nice to watch and be like, wow that kid probably feels like he wants to die right now. Oh its good to be the one watching other people getting hurt. Have a wonderful Friday everyone. And don't stand in front of anyone who involves gymnastics in their throw in technique.

See more funny videos and TBT Videos at Today's Big Thing.

[TBT]

The Things You Wouldn't Blow Up for a Boy

This is a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.

Report: Girls Gang Blows Up Houses Over Boy
A gang of London teenage girls is suspected of destroying three houses
and killing a man with a homemade liquid bomb during an argument over a
boy.

Now I have always been first to tell you that high school girls are the devil, what with all the backstabbing, putting Nair in the Shampoo bottle, and baking Ritalin into the cookies. But apparently in London they are taking things to a whole new level. Basically these masterminds of crime poured some sort of liquid bomb concoction (they found the recipe on the internet) into a mailbox of someone trying to steal their man. The police are now out looking for this "girl gang." My heart goes out to London's finest, its probably time to break out the riot gear.

[Fox News]

Status Update: stalkerNet

So I published my Silly Facebook article today and already I have a whole new post of interesting status updates. Its seems I have found a way for people to write my blogs for me. Just like Post Secret. So I'll hold off publishing this for a few days but seriously guys, this is pathetic. It looks like this is going to be an ongoing thing so until I can think of a better name for the you can find this series under Status Update: stalkerNet.

[male] write me a essay for a half zip of shroom.
Usually not good to talk about your drug habits online. I mean you know future employees, the cops in Sweden ... your mom (there are so many mom's on facebook these days its insane).

[female] is i flushed my fish down the toilet today as a f__k you to biology.
I feel PETA might have something to say about this one.

[female] knows gerbil now has a free life.
Seems to have a flair of the one above it. Whats with all the dead pets?

[male] is gayer than ever before.
Now I know this guy is not gay but you know how facebook is. I'm friends with my dead cats first owner (not really) but someone might get the wrong impression. Especially those creepy "I'm just looking for a friend" people.

[female] is screwed.
Short, sweet, and too the point.

[male] is aging.
A very true statement, just rather odd to find on facebook, from an 18 year old.

[female] is very sore.
Couldn't resist ... I mean how can you blame me. So everybody together now: "that's what she said." (go up two updates and repeat)

Be sure to check out the rest of the series.

Do Not Question Tuba Man, He Will Trip You

I've seen this video come up on my reader twice in the last two days. The first time I watched it I was like, wow, nice tuba guy. It was funny but probably not blog worthy. The second time however, I found a new appreciation for the randomness and spontaneity of this act. A guy with a huge shiny copper thing on his shoulder decks a little kid cause he is running around. Gotta love when people do the extraordinary (in this case very similar to punting a cute little cat) with out any warning and someone happens to catch it on film.



[Todays Big Thing]

A Day in the Life of Poo

It has never personally happened to me (no one get any ideas) but I think I can pretty accurately imagine how I would feel if a flaming bag of poop was placed on my doorstep. Yall know how it goes ... old guy comes out, inevitably in his bathrobe and slippers, sees his porch on fire, stomps it out only to realize his poofy white bath slippers are not so white anymore. And the worst part, for him anyways, is you really have no choice. Even if you were quick enough to realize it was poop in a bag you would still have that minor problem of your porch being on fire so you kinda have to stomp it out. I mean I don't know many people who keep a fire extinguisher by their door for these kinds of situations. So anyway I was thinking about this the other day and the thought occurred to me: 'it would be pretty bad to have a burning sack of turd put on your front doorstep, but as bad as that might be, its gotta be worse for the poop.'

Yes you read that last line right. Don't ask me how this thought wormed its way into my consciousness but it did. But humor me for a second. Your life started out being squeezed out into the world through a hole about half your size. You thought you were headed for a nice water slide through the endless city sewer system but that all changed the minute you found yourself in a paper sack. Now that's not so bad you say. Well take a step back, we forgot to mention that you are A TURD. You are the lowest level of the food chain, no one likes you. You smell of rotting eggs, you are a repulsive color and most spices of life try to hide your existence from the world. Your only friends are that one beetle who likes to roll you around and those monkeys (until you figured out they were just using you for ammunition). So where were we ... right, the bag. Then you are inexplicably and suddenly lit on fire! Who does that. So you are in agony burning in this bag when, what do you know, some old guy goes and tries to beat you to death then starts cussing like its your fault. Man it would suck to be poop.

Don't Tell Anyone I Laughed

This made me laugh and it shouldn't have. All I can say is I agree with the title of this comic: A Better Idea.

Xkcd is by far my favorite web comic so you will start seeing more of them posted here.

[xkcd]

On a Similar Note:

• Oh Techno
• We Get It
  

We Are All Weird, You're Just More Socially Acceptable

I have always been astounded that I get made fun of for random movie trivia and others don't for knowing the weight of North Carolina's second string kicker (when they are not even fans). And no, I'm not a Star Wars geek, or a Treky but this video just makes stick out my chest and go "yeah ... shows you." And get a little sad on the inside at the same time. Check it out.



[Gizmodo]

Some News Just Isn't Fit to Print

You know when you are flipping through the morning paper and a story on page ten catches your eye because the title is absolutely ridiculous ... it could just be me. Well I have had several of those come through my reader in the last couple of days so I've decided to start a column (much like the Facebook status one) in which I will highlight these stories. The header and byline will be included for your amusement.

Pagan Prisoners in Britain Granted Right to Carry ‘Magic Wands’
A new ruling has granted pagan inmates in British prisons the right to keep twigs in their cells for use as wands, the U.K.’s Daily Mail newspaper reported Monday.

Apparently this ruling was an attempt to allow inmates to practice any religion. So basically Harry Potter can feel [safe is probably the wrong word] tolerated at both Azcaban and any other jail in the UK. A spokesperson from the jail was quoted saying the ruling sounds "like an April Fools Day joke." My only question is why it made Fox's front page. Think before you print folks, some news just isn't fit to print.

[Fox News]