A Day in the Life of Poo

It has never personally happened to me (no one get any ideas) but I think I can pretty accurately imagine how I would feel if a flaming bag of poop was placed on my doorstep. Yall know how it goes ... old guy comes out, inevitably in his bathrobe and slippers, sees his porch on fire, stomps it out only to realize his poofy white bath slippers are not so white anymore. And the worst part, for him anyways, is you really have no choice. Even if you were quick enough to realize it was poop in a bag you would still have that minor problem of your porch being on fire so you kinda have to stomp it out. I mean I don't know many people who keep a fire extinguisher by their door for these kinds of situations. So anyway I was thinking about this the other day and the thought occurred to me: 'it would be pretty bad to have a burning sack of turd put on your front doorstep, but as bad as that might be, its gotta be worse for the poop.'

Yes you read that last line right. Don't ask me how this thought wormed its way into my consciousness but it did. But humor me for a second. Your life started out being squeezed out into the world through a hole about half your size. You thought you were headed for a nice water slide through the endless city sewer system but that all changed the minute you found yourself in a paper sack. Now that's not so bad you say. Well take a step back, we forgot to mention that you are A TURD. You are the lowest level of the food chain, no one likes you. You smell of rotting eggs, you are a repulsive color and most spices of life try to hide your existence from the world. Your only friends are that one beetle who likes to roll you around and those monkeys (until you figured out they were just using you for ammunition). So where were we ... right, the bag. Then you are inexplicably and suddenly lit on fire! Who does that. So you are in agony burning in this bag when, what do you know, some old guy goes and tries to beat you to death then starts cussing like its your fault. Man it would suck to be poop.