This is a continuation of the Not Fit for Print series featuring absurd headlines from our trusted news sources.
Report: Girls Gang Blows Up Houses Over Boy
A gang of London teenage girls is suspected of destroying three houses
and killing a man with a homemade liquid bomb during an argument over a
boy.
Now I have always been first to tell you that high school girls are the devil, what with all the backstabbing, putting Nair in the Shampoo bottle, and baking Ritalin into the cookies. But apparently in London they are taking things to a whole new level. Basically these masterminds of crime poured some sort of liquid bomb concoction (they found the recipe on the internet) into a mailbox of someone trying to steal their man. The police are now out looking for this "girl gang." My heart goes out to London's finest, its probably time to break out the riot gear.
[Fox News]
The Things You Wouldn't Blow Up for a Boy
The Invitation Said Party
We all need a good LOL Cat every now and then and this one struck me as rather humorous. After all we here all about these political parties and while some of them do have obnoxious amounts of confetti and balloons when I turn on c-span it doesn't look like their having all that much fun.
[ICHCB]
Check out my other LOL Catz favorites.
Status Update: stalkerNet
So I published my Silly Facebook article today and already I have a whole new post of interesting status updates. Its seems I have found a way for people to write my blogs for me. Just like Post Secret. So I'll hold off publishing this for a few days but seriously guys, this is pathetic. It looks like this is going to be an ongoing thing so until I can think of a better name for the you can find this series under Status Update: stalkerNet.
[male] write me a essay for a half zip of shroom.
Usually not good to talk about your drug habits online. I mean you know future employees, the cops in Sweden ... your mom (there are so many mom's on facebook these days its insane).
[female] is i flushed my fish down the toilet today as a f__k you to biology.
I feel PETA might have something to say about this one.
[female] knows gerbil now has a free life.
Seems to have a flair of the one above it. Whats with all the dead pets?
[male] is gayer than ever before.
Now I know this guy is not gay but you know how facebook is. I'm friends with my dead cats first owner (not really) but someone might get the wrong impression. Especially those creepy "I'm just looking for a friend" people.
[female] is screwed.
Short, sweet, and too the point.
[male] is aging.
A very true statement, just rather odd to find on facebook, from an 18 year old.
[female] is very sore.
Couldn't resist ... I mean how can you blame me. So everybody together now: "that's what she said." (go up two updates and repeat)
Be sure to check out the rest of the series.
Do Not Question Tuba Man, He Will Trip You
I've seen this video come up on my reader twice in the last two days. The first time I watched it I was like, wow, nice tuba guy. It was funny but probably not blog worthy. The second time however, I found a new appreciation for the randomness and spontaneity of this act. A guy with a huge shiny copper thing on his shoulder decks a little kid cause he is running around. Gotta love when people do the extraordinary (in this case very similar to punting a cute little cat) with out any warning and someone happens to catch it on film.
[Todays Big Thing]
A Day in the Life of Poo
It has never personally happened to me (no one get any ideas) but I think I can pretty accurately imagine how I would feel if a flaming bag of poop was placed on my doorstep. Yall know how it goes ... old guy comes out, inevitably in his bathrobe and slippers, sees his porch on fire, stomps it out only to realize his poofy white bath slippers are not so white anymore. And the worst part, for him anyways, is you really have no choice. Even if you were quick enough to realize it was poop in a bag you would still have that minor problem of your porch being on fire so you kinda have to stomp it out. I mean I don't know many people who keep a fire extinguisher by their door for these kinds of situations. So anyway I was thinking about this the other day and the thought occurred to me: 'it would be pretty bad to have a burning sack of turd put on your front doorstep, but as bad as that might be, its gotta be worse for the poop.'
Yes you read that last line right. Don't ask me how this thought wormed its way into my consciousness but it did. But humor me for a second. Your life started out being squeezed out into the world through a hole about half your size. You thought you were headed for a nice water slide through the endless city sewer system but that all changed the minute you found yourself in a paper sack. Now that's not so bad you say. Well take a step back, we forgot to mention that you are A TURD. You are the lowest level of the food chain, no one likes you. You smell of rotting eggs, you are a repulsive color and most spices of life try to hide your existence from the world. Your only friends are that one beetle who likes to roll you around and those monkeys (until you figured out they were just using you for ammunition). So where were we ... right, the bag. Then you are inexplicably and suddenly lit on fire! Who does that. So you are in agony burning in this bag when, what do you know, some old guy goes and tries to beat you to death then starts cussing like its your fault. Man it would suck to be poop.
We Are All Weird, You're Just More Socially Acceptable
I have always been astounded that I get made fun of for random movie trivia and others don't for knowing the weight of North Carolina's second string kicker (when they are not even fans). And no, I'm not a Star Wars geek, or a Treky but this video just makes stick out my chest and go "yeah ... shows you." And get a little sad on the inside at the same time. Check it out.
[Gizmodo]
Some News Just Isn't Fit to Print
You know when you are flipping through the morning paper and a story on page ten catches your eye because the title is absolutely ridiculous ... it could just be me. Well I have had several of those come through my reader in the last couple of days so I've decided to start a column (much like the Facebook status one) in which I will highlight these stories. The header and byline will be included for your amusement.
Pagan Prisoners in Britain Granted Right to Carry ‘Magic Wands’
A new ruling has granted pagan inmates in British prisons the right to keep twigs in their cells for use as wands, the U.K.’s Daily Mail newspaper reported Monday.
Apparently this ruling was an attempt to allow inmates to practice any religion. So basically Harry Potter can feel [safe is probably the wrong word] tolerated at both Azcaban and any other jail in the UK. A spokesperson from the jail was quoted saying the ruling sounds "like an April Fools Day joke." My only question is why it made Fox's front page. Think before you print folks, some news just isn't fit to print.
[Fox News]
Axe Wielding Irishman
This picture is just a guy with an axe trying to get a ride. He is friendly enough right, seems legit.
Well it reminds me of the time that I was walking from the Dublin airport to my hotel with one of my friends. The trek was conciderably farther than we expected it to be so we decided to ask for directions just to see how far it really was. So it was around Christmas time and there was a tree lot on the road and a man standing behind his pickup. Seemed friendly enough. So I ask him if he knows where this hotel is and he comes around to help. He is holding a hatchet in his hand. Seems reasonable, its a tree lot. So we get into it and to make a long story short, he starts waving the hatchet to point us in the right direction (I had to dodge several times) then starts asking us where we are from. He then proceds to tell us the story of when he went to Alabama and met the KKK and how crazy we Americans were. He droped the F bomb about as much as he swung his hatchet. This photo just reminded me of him and I thought I would share that story with you.
[Photo Basement]
A Voice That Sooths the Soul
I am a huge fan of movie previews. At this risk of revealing a rather telling fact about my childhood, I used to go to the movies with friends and we would buy a ticket but then just walk around watching the previews and never actually watch a movie. So needless to say I love the voice over people who can make a stick of butter sound like the force that will cause utter desolation to the human race. There have been a number of viral videos featuring these voice talkers but I have never seen one that seeks to delve into the lives of these people who make us quake in fear over the tooth fairy. They have hopes and ambitions just like the rest of us ... only difference is theirs sound unbelievably cooler.
[Presurfer]
Best Movie Ever ... No Really
There was once a man who could take down an enemy chopper with nothing more than a shoelace and a couple coconuts, defuse a nuclear bomb using only items found in the janitors closet, and could do literally anything as long as he had his trusty Swiss Army Knife. He was a legend, he was MacGyver. Now I realize I am one of a select few in my generation who know of this makeshift hero, and I owe all my knowledge to Spike TV's summer morning schedule. So why are we talking about this? Well it appears that the creator of the original show has plans for a big budget movie. I can honestly say that I am more excited about this one than any other movie in the making right now. It would be like a Walker Texas Ranger movie. There is some question as to whether they bring back the original actor who played MacGyver or get some new guy. All Ive got to say is that if he doesnt have a mullet, we are going to have problems ... big problems.
[Gizmodo]
Some Things Just Don't Go Together
You know those people who put ketchup on strange food, resulting in a concoction that looks like bodily organs and makes you want to gag. Or those people who just eat mayonnaises sandwiches. Well I suppose this is the redneck way to achieve roughly the same thing ... although now that I think about it ... its got the potential to taste pretty good. Looks a bit like a turd though.
[Photo Basement]
Lord of the LOL Catz
When you take something slightly geeky (ie Lord of the Rings) and add it to something really geeky (ie LOL Catz) ... it makes me laugh. Chuckle in spite of my self really.
[ICHCB]
On a Similar Note:
Silly Facebook
Facebook is a wonderful tool ... it gives me endless hours of entertainment auto-stalking people. Just kidding, but seriously. People love facebook and facebook loves, well, faces I suppose. But it does have its dark side just like anything else. I've never quite understood the concept behind sharing your blackmail with everyone ... seems rather counter procuctive if you ask me but people do it more often than not so I just sit back and chuckle. So the other day I saw a rather disturbing facebook status (not listed here, it was the morning after prom ... you figure it out) so I decided to save some of my favorites and post them once I had a few. This might be happening again in the future. Now I've taken out the names since people still have the illusion of privacy.
[female] "When life gives you lemons, just say 'F**k the lemons,' and bail."
I tend to be more of a fan of lemonade but I do enjoy the mix and match zen art that seems to pop up every once in a while.
[male] guttin fat hos.
Not really sure what to say about this one other than the kid is from California.
[female] is one tree hill:)
Now that you are no longer required to put the "is" I find it amusing when people refer to themselves as inanimate objects.
[female] is digging to china with [male]. he really keeps me going. in bed.
Inside jokes are usually only funy to those on the inside ... but when they are so off the wall that people mistake you for an Italian conman well lets just say they've gone too far.
[male] is globel warming and all the trees are dying is such a hoax. i laugh when ppl put their trust in the media. if u want 2 kno why it is, message me.
This kids about to get owned. Now I tend to share his sentimants in a more plutonic sence ... I just like how both sides blame the media for being on the other side.
[female] hates [female] and [male] because all they do is do it in the butthole during free period and leave me all by myself becuase i have no other friends.
Says a lot about you I'm afriad ... again with the inside jokes gone wrong.
Why Can't We All Just Be Friends
I Just Wanna Be a Hoodrat
With the recent release of the new Grand Theft Auto series, it seems that crime has escalated ... and gotten a lot younger. A seven year old is being charged with actual grand theft auto because he stole his grandmothers car and went on a joy ride. His commentary on the situation is priceless and I'm sure will go down in interweb history with a certain community in Alabama and their little green men and Bub Rub. Thanks to Stewart for the tip.
On a Similar Note: